Lately, I’ve been in a rut. Actually, for most of 2019, I’ve been stuck in this cycle of the same routine and I’m not here for it. Life can be really, really hard. No matter what you have going for you, the past can creep up and haunt you, circumstances can get the best of you, and ultimately you can just find yourself in a place you don’t want to be. I know that sounds really dark and I don’t mean it to be as dramatic as it sounds. That being said, it’s the only way I can put words to how I’ve felt most of this year. Don’t get me wrong, overall I’m really happy and have a lot of good going on. But, there’s still a lot of things I struggle with on a daily basis. I don’t talk about this with anyone really (I probably should) and instead, have opted to just get through some days instead of really living them. I don’t know if that even makes sense but hopefully, it will resonate with some. There are a lot of feelings and situations I never really dealt with and let me tell you, ignoring them doesn’t make them go away. So, here I am, July 2019, trying to pull it all together.
I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting the last couple of weeks and I’ve come to a few realizations that I think I’ve always known but only lately have had the courage to actually admit to myself. So here they are.
- Days will pass and life moves on. I spent a lot of time dwelling on the past and thinking that one thing or another was the end of the world. Spoiler alert: it’s not. Even if it’s not what we wanted or expected, life moves on and we need to move on with it.
- You can’t force other people to be decent human beings. I spent a good chunk of 2019 and a decent portion of 2018 hoping someone in my life would become someone they just weren’t/aren’t. Without getting into the details, I eventually realized that people will make their choices and it’s not up to me to help them realize that they’re being, for lack of a better term, an asshole. If someone can’t offer the bare minimum of respect to people who haven’t wronged them, then that’s on them.
- You have to ask for what you want and then keep asking. This is something I learned from my parents but never really took to heart until this year. I’ve always been afraid to ask for more, probably because of some internal “I don’t deserve it” complex. But, this year I did. I asked for it and I got it. Life’s too short to settle when you know you deserve better.
- You don’t need to shame yourself or feel guilty when you misstep. We all make mistakes. We fall off our gym routine, we cancel plans last minute, we order take-out even though we just bought groceries. No one is perfect and shaming yourself for a misstep doesn’t help anyone in the situation. Know you should do better and then do better. Sit back and make a new plan to hopefully stay on track moving forward. Whatever you do, just forgive yourself and move on.
- Gratitude is everything. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – gratitude changes your life. When you can be grateful for everything from your family and friends to getting a good parking spot, your life changes. It sounds absurd, but I’m telling you it does. When I focus on being grateful, life just feels a little better.