When I was 23 I got an abortion. Fast forward 8 years and I never thought this would be something I’d share publicly nor talk about in this context—with many women losing their right to do just the same. Yet, in classic 2022 fashion, here we are, with a bunch of old politicians telling us what we can and can’t do with our bodies. Today, I can count on one hand how many people know this about me.
Full disclosure, I wrote an essay-style blog post at first detailing every part of my story, but that didn’t feel right. It took a minute until I realized why and it’s because my story doesn’t matter. I’m not special. I’m not unique. What happened to me is no different than what happens to so many other women every year. I’m one of many who found herself in a situation she didn’t want to be in. I’m a woman who was lucky enough to choose and fortunate enough to have the resources to make that choice. That being said, I want to share a few bullet points of my story. If you don’t want to read on, then just donate here. And if you didn’t know someone who’s been through this before, well now you do.
- I knew I was pregnant soon after it happened. I could feel it, sense it, all the above. I ignored it until I couldn’t.
- I went to a local Wal-Mart to get a test and felt like everyone knew. I felt shame all over again. I walked up and down aisled for 57 minutes until I checked out. The shame stayed with me long after it happened.
- Back then, there was no one really to talk to about what to do if you find yourself in this situation. We didn’t learn about it in health class and certainly not at a Catholic college. I’m sure there are people who would have understood, but I didn’t feel that way when it happened. With no idea what to do, I Googled. The first place I went was one of those crisis clinics. It was 2013 so my only reference for unplanned pregnancy was MTV’s Teen Mom and I was naive to the fact that these companies existed. They showed me a video of the horrors of abortion that included the line “rape is a blessing because you get a child” and at one point they used the term “like John Wayne Gacy” when I told them I wanted to terminate. I left with a pamphlet that highlighted everything wrong with women who have abortions along with an ultrasound. This is the light and kind version of the appointment so use your imagination as to how horrible it was. I can only imagine how much worse it will get now.
- I contacted Planned Parenthood after that nightmare experience and they couldn’t have been more supportive. I made an appointment for the following week. Again, donate here.
- Someone I had been dating at the time came with me. There were protestors outside as we walked in and it was awful to walk through them while they yelled horrible profanities at both of us. This was truly messed up because women go to Planned Parenthood for a number of other reasons unrelated to actual parenthood. We played QuizUp (shout-out 2014) silently in the waiting room for hours before I finally went in. He was the only person who knew at the time and I’m forever grateful for his support. Note: He was not the father. (I truly hope you read that in a Maury voice)
- The procedure was excruciating and the checkups before weren’t great either. It’s honestly the worst pain I’ve ever felt, and I don’t wish it on anyone. Aside from the procedure itself, there were blood tests, interviews, and multiple ultrasounds – it was an invasive day. I saw a Tweet by Phoebe Bridgers saying she had an easy experience last year and while that may have been the case for her, I want to clarify that it’s not always easy. I had a medical procedure, it wasn’t a pill, and I almost passed out from the pain. Midway through – a girl I went to elementary and high school with walked in. She was a volunteer there. We made eye contact and she walked out. I will never forget that moment.
- I was brought into a room after for juice and cookies like it was a blood test. The room was full of about 15 patients. The room was full of other women who had been through the same thing. The room was silent and it turned over the next hour.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think about the choice I made. I know I made the right choice, but I still think about it every single day and how my life would be different if I wasn’t able to make that choice. When I see everyone repost on social media about Roe V. Wade and a woman’s right to choose – I wonder who, if any, has been through the same. I wonder what it would be like to be able to openly talk about this and have people understand. I don’t even talk about this with the people closest to me because it’s such an uncomfortable topic and those closest to me don’t necessarily share the same view on abortion. I can count on one hand the number of people who know this about me until now. Everyone has a different opinion and while I’m open to a friendly debate here and there, this isn’t one I’m willing to have. I can tell you 1000% that no one woman takes this decision lightly. It would be impossible. And, I can’t imagine what it would feel like to be trapped in a situation with no way out.
The decision to overturn Roe v. Wade is truly despicable. It’s wrong and it’s an attack on every woman. It’s also triggering. It’s bringing up memories of my own and it weighs heavily on me. I feel for women who might one day need an abortion and can’t get one. I want to fight for women whose life may be at risk and yet their unborn baby is the priority in the eyes of their state’s law. We’re at a really unfortunate (insert completely f**ked up) place and it’s truly devastating. I don’t know what a solution is but I know I want to keep sharing my story and keep reminding people that you’re not as far removed from this as you may think you are. Just because you don’t know someone who has had an abortion doesn’t mean you don’t know someone who has had an abortion.
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